What I do everyday and how do I feel

I hear this question about once a week. Usually it's from well meaning people, Other times, it's from people who haven't seen me in a while and are just catching up with me now.

I understand the curiosity that comes with that, and I guess the time has come to internalize that and really figure out what it is that I DO everyday.    

I suppose I should start with the obvious. And when I say 'obvious' - I realize this part is only obvious to me, and not everyone else.    But, the obvious answer is I am NOT finished treatment yet.

I am not out of the woods quite yet. I am still on chemotherapy and will be for the next 5 years.

FIVE YEARS I will be on chemo !!!

After the IV Chemo ends in late January 2012...I will then start  with the one or two magic little chemo pills that will help keep the cancer from coming back (Hopefully) but in the process it will make me moody, tired, gives me headaches, makes me sick, hurts my joints and bones, keeps me awake at night with insomnia and puts me in menopause (and all the wonderful things that go with that)

Honestly, some days, I just try to make it through the day.    I may look okay, but I am far from feeling okay.  I have to push myself to get out of bed, get dressed and put on make up.  (and brush my teeth) , slap a wig on my head and drive myself to work for a few hours.   Sometimes I will get my husband to drive me because I am to tired.   Some days I am to tired and sick to even go to work.  Anything around the house (laundry, dishes, cooking, house cleaning) is a moot point right now.  I just dont have the time and energy for it.

The second thing I want to point out is that I still have a handful of medical appointments each week still . I am constantly surrounded by medical personnel. I have a large daytimer with all my appointments written in it and every week is jammed with another test or treatment.

This makes it kind of hard to 'forget' about cancer.

I still take (many) pills/injections/immune boosters every day so that my body can function the way it's supposed to.

I am learning to live with it, but that doesn't make it normal.

Before I go to sleep every night, I pray that my cancer will not come back. The first thing I do when I wake up, I pray that my cancer will not come back and that the chemo is working.   Even though to my oncologist tells me that when my treatment is done my "survival and reoccurance"  rates are good (just good mind you - not great) - to me, it feels like I am always waiting for something bad to happen again.

It's a terrible way to live, and I hope that one day cancer will not be the first and last thing on my mind.

Time will heal that.

I work part time when I can and I  nap during the day when I am to sick or weak to work, I nap because my body is tired. (And this is not the kind of tired that you can sleep and be rested) I feel fatigued, deep inside my bones and I constantly run a low grade fever which makes it feel like I am on the edge of falling off a cliff.

My legs feel heavy, so do my arms and my head and my shoulders - everything.  It is a deep fatigue that I am not used to and it just wipes me out.

So I nap.

Once or twice, when people hear this they say 'must be nice to nap during the day' - again, a simple comment, but such a slap in the face. Nothing about this entire experience is 'nice'.

Not even the napping.

I would rather be working and living how I was before than be off on medical disability leave.  I love my work and it is part of who I am.   I have worked at the same company for 17 YEARS.

But that is not my reality right now and I try to make the best of it.  I feel terrible not being able to

handle my full workload and putting the load on my other coworkers. That part is extemely depressing for me.  Even when I am AT WORK....I am only running on 10 or 20%.   Chemo brain is in full swing.  I hope to repay my coworkers who prop me up and do my job for me whan I am out.

(I love you Debbie, Lydia, Stephanie, Josie,  Anglea, Scottie, Jim, and all my other HR buddies who help me out)

Last night I watched NCIS (I love that show)  on TV - and I thought how great it was to sit on the sofa and not be sick and  that I could watch and enjoy an entire TV show without falling asleep !!!  That is a good day believe it or not.

I feel that I've been given another shot at life. A second chance. So I am bound and determined to make my life exactly what I've always wanted it to be. I want to make it count. I want to make a difference (sounds corny, right?)

So, the next time someone asks me ' What do you DO everyday?' I may just respond with:

I live.