Iraq and #6

My sweet hubby made it from Hungary to Iraq.   I got a few texts from him.   British Guards picked him up at the airport in a armoured car that was guarded.   He had 3 other cars and 6 guards protecting him (1 man)  from the airport to the work site compound.    All with serious gun power.   All he saw was sand and burnt out towns and mortar holes.  He is pretty far out in the desert and close to the border.    Security was tight and he said he felt safe.  They checked the whole car/underneath t for any explosive devices and at every check point   (several a long the way)   He was also required to wear full protective gear.   He made it to the location,  or compound which is guarded to the max .  British commandos are on guard at all time......it pays to have friends from around the globe.    He will be running data aquisitions tests  to see what the well is doing and make suggestions on what needs to be done and sending in reports back to the companys main corporate office......basically 24/7.   He tells me the Iraq people and government WANT them in the country to help them rebuid and get their oild fields up and running again.  So they are also very protective about their oil fields and the people frome across the globe who are working to get them up and running.     He was going to to go take a nap and eat as he had been traveling for 2 full days.   When I asked him about the food he said it was authentic. What ever that means.   A good friend told him to take plenty of immodium when he goes.   He does have good internet so at least we can skype. The accomodations are good and he has a roomate...(he sounded Australian...but I could not be sure)     It was nice to see his happy face on Skype this morning and it made me feel better to know he is safe.

As for me...I took treatment # 6 or Thursday ...so I have two more to go.  I am so looking forward to feeling better and having some feel good days ahead.   I can even think about the future now and I starting to  plan a party  for Gracies Senior Graducation    - Did I brag that she has a 4.0 and has been accepted into several colleges. She has also been taking good care of me since Allen has been gone. Work is going good for her and she got some major tips over the holidays.  I am so proud of the young adult she is becoming.   She is looking way beyond those high school years and is so ready to let all the drama of high school go and move on to college.

I put on my big girl pantys and DROVE MYSELF to my #6 treatment.  I hate asking others to do this for me and sit with me because it is such a long boring treatment.   I was in the chemo chair  from 8:30 - 2:00.  I had to have a few extra IVS....I was very nauseated yesterday so they gave me two bags of the meds and that  helped  and a extra dose of steriods (which will make me red and swollen today) - and something to help my red blood cell count - which is bordeline right now.  This explains the extreme fatigue I have been having.   I will go back in today to check it and if it is still low I will need to get blood/plasma.  BUT   the good news is my white blood cell count is up, which means so is  my immunity..this is a FIRST....so I am glad.   It mean that my immunity is on the rebound....so I still need to stay away from sick people to keep this count up.  I was smart this time and packed a lunch so I felt better during  the treatment  They do have an array of snacks and juice they offer you...but they dont appeal to me - you loose a certain taste of foods when you are on chemo as they remind you of being sick or hurling during a previous treatment.


Anyway I am still on a steriod high today....but really swollen and red from them..looks like I have a bad sunburn and my eyes are swollen shut...and I  really tired and I can feel the bone pain starting to sneak in again.  The weekends will be the worst...so I plan on resting and laying low...so I can be back at work next need.

Time to have something for breakfest before my taste buds go dead again. This will last about a week..nothing taste good and it is easy to get dehydrated and start feeling sick.  So you have to eat a good meal when you can and are able.

Have a great weekend..I am grateful for three days to recover from this treatment.  I hope to head back to work part time on Tuesday if I am feeling well.  I have been pushing it with work, but is makes me feel so good mentally/emotionally  and my work friends have been so supportive.  And I really enjoy what I am doing with the people that are around me.  So in a way, it is good cheap therpy  and thebest support group I could ever ask for.   Love my Whit people !

Tammy

Prayers please

But not for me.
My sweet hubby is leaving  Hungary for Iraq later this week.
If you are the praying kind - please please pray for his safety !
He is going for work...and I am just not sure how safe it is right now that the US military forces have left.

I am going in for my 6th chemo treatment this Thursday and I am really not looking forward to it.
I am glad for another three day weekend to rest up after it.
I am pretty tired right now and having trouble sleeping and the steriods I have to take for the next week
dont really help that.   I am wondering if I will finally break down and take the Ambien my doc gave me.

Safe Travels Allen - I love you

Across the world !

Kellemes karácsonyt és boldog új évet


That is Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from Hungary.  I love and miss you !
Stay Warm.

Christmas and Cancer, and using the good China

I am grieving for my  mother and father this December.   I remember all the wonderful times I had at Christmas time with them, surrounded by family and food, knowing we were loved and taken care of.

There were always presents but I remember my family and the big dinners we had.  My mother always used the "Good China" and we always had a big tree.  We always went to Midnight Mass and had a few adult beverages.  I always wondered why my mother went to all that trouble of setting a nice table with linen table cloth and napkins, the good china and her precious green waterford crystal (that had to be hand washed). Just for us.    I think I know why now.  We were special to her and we were her gifts.

For some people, Christmas is one of the most emotionally fraught times of year, perhaps due to the presence or absence of people we love or depend on;  combined with all the social and financial expectations and pressures of the season.  I have been to ill to really get into the spirit and I am trying not to be dissappointed with certain people in my life.   I am going to focus on getting stronger and getting this illness behind me.   It will be just Gracie and I this Christmas Eve.    I have not been feeling well and   my treatments are catching up with me.  Gracie has to work but is getting off early.  She is going to bring us some treats from the swanky resteraunt where she works at.  We will toast Chrismtas and open our presents together.  It will be a special mother /daughter time and she will make me laugh with all her stories from work.   I am going to try extra hard to stay up later tonight so I can spend some time with her.

I really wish my hubby was home...it is very hard with out him home this year.   But I am looking forward to  sepending time with Gracie and skyping with Allen tonight when he gets off work.  If only I could Skype with my parents one time, what a gift that would be right ?

Take a few mintues to tell your family how much you love them this Christmas and really enjoy the time you have with them.   It is really not about the presents, food, drinks.  It is about the time together and celebrating the birth of a tiny baby boy in a manger so many years ago.

And yes Mama - Gracie and I will use the good china tonight !

Merry Christmas

Time for a little inspiration.

50 Things to Love about Life That Are Free

by Lori Deschene
“If we look at the world with a love of life, the world will reveal its beauty to us.” ~Daisaku Ikeda
If you asked an 8-year old version of me to list all the things I loved, it might have looked something like this:

• Ice cream
• Swings
• Snow days
• Beach days
• More ice cream
• Saturday morning cartoons

In fact, I’m sure I could have created an inventory longer than my usual Christmas list, including a ton of things that either tasted, felt or looked good.
It didn’t occur to me until later in life that some of the best things are intangible; and that I could experience them at any time if I just opened my heart and mind to let them in.
I think most of us know that intellectually—that pride in your work can be more valuable than what it buys, for example. But sometimes we get so caught up in securing the trappings of the good life—the house, the car, the furnishings the clothes—we’re too distracted to notice and appreciate the intangibles.
That’s not to say there’s something wrong with enjoying material things. I’m still a huge fan of my TV (flatter and larger), ice cream (OK, frozen yogurt now) and days off (though I can’t seem to negotiate any snow days into my adult lifestyle). It’s just that there’s so much more to love about life that doesn’t cost a dime.
 “What do you love about life?” Some of my favorite responses include:
1. Love. (Hansoul Kim)
2. Family. (Jo Alunan Taguinod)
3. Just being able to wake up to the sun shining in the morning. (Norma Lewis)
4. The ability to overcome hardships and appreciate what I already have instead of wishing I had more. (Ivy Lokojarvi)
5. Our ability to empathize. It allows us to connect and support each. (Heather Fulton)
6. The ridiculous things my dog and cats do. They live in the moment and enjoy being alive, and it reminds me to do the same. (Rachel Campbell)
7. That I am someone who can makes a real difference in the world. (Marlu A Soria)
8.Moments of realization that I’m not as alone as I too often think I am. (Caleb Davis)
9. My children being healthy and happy. (Angelica Ortega)
10. Every breath I take reminds me I’m still here and still have much to enjoy. (Lorna Goodman)
11. The ones who never give up on me. (Li Maddocks)
12. Positive and creative people. (Vicky Agnew)
13. I love the moments when more than one person ‘get’s’ the illusory joke and for a moment sees that we are one. (Darla Shanti Serafina)
14. The love and support of my life partner. (Diane Delude)
15. Being alive and happy at this moment because is the only thing that exists. (Indi Pa)
16. Affecting people without realizing it. (Mike Love)
17. The beauty of it. No matter how bad things get, there is always something beautiful to keep us going forward. (Noel Knights)
18. All the funny people. (Neelie Echelon Michele Oliver)
19. Hope. (Majo Bustamante)
20. The unexpected things. (María Victoria Arteaga Hung)
21. That every moment in life is a chance for a new beginning. (Vanessa Powell)
22. Creating abundant joy is what I love most about life. (Shyloh Robinson)
23. The diversity that everyone brings to the table. (Andy Clemenko)
24. Trying new things. (Karen Gallion-Biggers)
25. The amazing way the universe can materialize just what you need. (Allison Seals McGee)

26. The way life’s traumas end up making the good times even sweeter. (Lisa McConnell)
27. Second chances. (Shari Ouillette)
28. I love when my daughter smiles at me, and says “Mommy, I love you.” (Haydee Lopez Cruz)
29. Freedom of choice! (Denise Robinson)
30. Everyday is another chance to get it right. (Jan Bu)
31. Seeing small plants start to bud and grow. (Erin Anderson)
32. It’s the little things that matter the most to me, like kisses on my forehead. (Manda Keifer)
33. I love the fact that I can see only love around me. (Kalpana Tewani)
34. People, nature, animals—everything. (Aisha Ar Radiyah)
35. Opportunities to start all over again. (Cristina Villacres)
36. Good food, good friends, good health, and a good night’s sleep! (Mikel O’Brien)
37. Smiles and laughter. (Erin Leslie Cassinelli)
38. Being free to do what I want when I want how I want. (Kim Toney)
39. How there are many paths to happiness, not just one. (Melanie Hazim ॐ)
40. The fact that nothing is permanent. You can always change what you don’t like. (Marcia Johnson)
41. All the free things like air, fresh water, kisses from my love, a hug from my daughter, learning from other people, observing nature and smelling flowers. ( Sarita A. Salas)
42. That we never really know what’s going to happen next. (Slovydal O’Brien)
43. Music. (Lori O’Connor)
44. The spontaneous and unexpected, if it’s positive. (Teresa O’Connor)
45. Knowing the difference between being alive and living. (Belinda Poree)
46. The incredible beauty that surrounds us if we look. (Jeanne E. Rohen)
47. Small moments of enlightenment that show you the path towards being a more fulfilled and compassionate human being. (Jacky Casumbal)
48. Quiet time. (Gerri Mills)
49. Being at peace. (Kylie Alyce Popejoy)
50. All of you. (Dan Schoenig)

Friendship and cancer.

Want to know who your friends are ?   Just get cancer and you will see who steps up and who does not.   I have to admit, it has been an eye opening experience for me.  Who has been there and who has been absent.

I try not to take it to personal, but I do on some level.......or maybe it is the pain I am feeling with this chemo that makes everything else so acute right now. 

Breast cancer may make you feel like you’ve lost some friends but now I do know who is there for me and who I can count on. . Luckily, I now have the ability (and have definitely earned the right) to define exactly what being a friend means as I move forward in my life.

Thank you to my friends and family who are here for me ....you know who you are.   I appreciate it more than you know.

Love Tammy

Where is my John Wayne ?

Holy bone pain Batman......this chemo knocked me for a loop.
I am walking around like a 90 year old woman.....I swear I would use a walker if I had one.  I may have to rent one before it is all over....
Better yet I need a scooter and a big hot tub to soak in.

I guess I should be grateful I am not hurling in a trash can....but the bone pain has been....well  excruciating !   I have a high tolerance for pain but this is everywhere.....  Last night I just curled up in a ball and cried for hours...(more like 30 minutes) - but I had to get some release from the pain.  I then remembered I had a few left over pain meds from my port surgery...but they pain had gotten ahead of me and it took some time for the meds to kick in.  You can reserve a room for me  at Betty Ford - I will not be brave or strong and ride this out....nope, no way.   Give me the meds.

My onc told me I would be a little "achy"- are you freaking kidding me........but  I have come to realize they try to minimize side effects when they talk to you about what the chemo will do to you........no worse case senerios.  I think they want to try to minimize your anxiety and hope for the best.

Never ending nausea, fatigue and excruciating bone pain ?  It is a toss up.

Dont dare tell me Aleave or Advil will take care of this...nope I want the big guns so I can sleep.
I am also running a low grade fever so I know my counts are low and I have a good amount of fatigue going on......so I am sure I will be going in this week to see my onc for a count check up.

It is gonna be a long week.

At least I have three days off next weekend and Gracie will be off from school.
When I was laying on the sofa in pain yesterday   - she went and got me an Icee.   Icees dont fix everything but it sure tasted good.

I need to catch a break or two.....I am hoping this will be a day or three side effect and not last all week.
Unfortunately most side effects from chemo are cumulative as time goes on.

#5 redo and edit. Taxol is not fun.

edit - Saturday morning, major bone pain....looks like day two and three  will be the day this cocktail kicks in.  Wow - it feels like I was in a major car wreck..  I can barely walk this morning.

I guess that means the chemo is working - it is flowing in my bones to kill any cancer cells that may be lurking.

I tried some otc pain meds, but they are not kicking in like they should.  I have just a touch of nausea - but that could be from the otc meds I am taking.

I may have to call in the big guns.

Will I need drug rehab after all this ?

My taste buds are totally dead...I can taste nothing and nothing smells or taste good to me.
But I know I need to eat if I am taking these meds.....

All I can think of is a Sonic BLT ! - but I know I would not be able to taste - so maybe just some plain ole oatmeal with some fruit mixed in.  I really hate not being able to taste anything.

I hope there are some good Christmas movies on the TV this afternoon.

#5

Treatment #5 I am done with the A/C and on to the Taxol.   It left me very groggy and drugged.  It took 5 hours to take the drip.   I slept thru most of it because the drugs were so strong.   They give it to you very slowly the first time to make sure you dont have a reaction.  It wont take as long next time (about 3-4 hours) .

My sweet sister in law Judy went with me..and I am very grateful to her for doing that as it made for a long day.

I feel very tired and drugged today....but so far just a small touch of nausea.  Thank you sweet baby Jesus.

I did have a reaction from some of the meds in the cocktail they gave me....this is normal, they tell me......face is swollen and bright red...but it seems to be going away.  My tatste buds died right away with this, so I can taste nothing and my mouth is very dry.  It has a weird taste  (from the cocktail) - so I am chewing gum to try to keep the taste from gagging me.  I wont be able t taste anything for a while and I am not really hungry...just really tired.   All of my red and white counts are low...so I went in to get my $7000 booster shot today.   I plan on sleeping this weekend - whoo hoo.  

Gracie has been taking care of me and brought me a strawberry smoothie last night :)

Any way... Allen send me a few pictures from Hungary,,  He says it is very nice in Hungrary and he loves it...I hope he gets to stay on the European team for awhile.  He is really getting to see some nice sites and meeting all kinds of people.  He makes freinds where ever her goes.

More pictures later whenI have some energy....
Have a great weekend.....my sofa is calling me.

Blah Monday

I am so tired of thinking about Cancer and Chemo....and feeling yuck all the time
And figuring out medical bills and insurance....it makes my head hurt.
I want to feel good again and talk about work, and vacations and cook a big meal and have family over.
Last night I went and  deleated most of my cancer "bookmarks" on my pc - I kept 3 and thats it...
I am tired of thinking about it, reading about it,  and all the what ifs!  I am finding it hard to go to my favorite cancer online forum because there is a whole lotta bad news on that forum...
And my favorite cancer blogger is seriously ill from a liver resection surgery and a c-diff infection.

So I am taking a break from all the cancer info on the web.
I am going back to reading my travel forums, fun blogs......and cooking & real estate linkys.
I might even update my farm on facebook.

The one thing that *really* bugs me though are things like a facebook conversation between some of my friends the other day. One was concerned about lowering her salt intake, and another piped in with "Eat all the salt you want! We're all going to die of something someday!" I responded with " 'We're all going to die of something some day' is a fun philosophy until your doctor uses the word 'prognosis' and discusses the statistical probability of your being alive in 5 or 10  years. Then, making minor dietary or lifestyle changes doesn't seem so onerous anymore.'"  Sometimes it is nice to throw a wet rag on a whine and let people know how blessed they are to have their health and to take care of it.

I guess I have a low tolerance for that sort of thing right now.   I promise to pick my personal whines more carefully in the future.

And I miss my hubby !

Sunday update

Allen made it to Amsterdam -
Took a cab to the train station.
Then took to a train to a city two hours away.
Got another cab - and made it to his hotel,
And is all settled in a nice little hotel in a nice town in in the Netherlands. He said it was small...we can just text until  he gets a local card or something for his phone (so it wont cost $$$)

One thing he did not remember to bring...Universal plug in thingy.
So he is off to exchange some money and then go buy one.
He always amazes me how is goes to all these places all over the globe by himself, with no research or anyone to meet him and just figures it out as he goes
Brave man for sure....That us the Marine in him coming out.
I am going to miss him. He makes me brave...He will stay there for 3 days then go to Hungary - for some reason it make me feel better than him being in Iraq. If he sends pictures I will post them on facebook.

My sister in law Judy is going to take me to Chemo this week.  So now I need to figure out the 28th treatment date as Judy is having surgery on the 23rd.  This treatment is supposed to make you really sleepy - but if it is not to bad I would just go by myself.

I will try to catch up on laundry today or I may just sleep on the sofa all day.   I had a hard time sleeping last night so I need to make up for it today. Getting sleep and eating right is crucial to how you feel.

I have been getting break though nasea quite a bit.
I realized I am getting dehydrated and starting drinking more fluids and gatorade to keep me hydrated.  It does help with  how I feel overall.

Happy Sunday.

The remote is mine.

I am busy catching up on all my favorite HGTV and travel channel shows.   Kardashians, Real Housewives, Cake Boss, Sex in the City reruns, Paula Dean, Lifetime movies and of course Survivor and all the Christmas movies that run over and over this time of year (Loving it)

With that remote is a down side.

My sweet hubs left for Holland and Hungary for work.  30 days maybe more :(
I made our daughter take him to the airport this morning because I was afraid I would cry.  And I know that really bothers him to see me cry.

I had kinda given him the remote for the last 2 and 1/2 months since he was busy taking care of me and doing all the housework (and I mean everything).  So I had my fill of football and crime shows (ok so I like NCIS)

I cant complain about him leaving, because his brand new employer let him work from home for 2 1/2 months at full pay...and I could tell her was getting antsy to go back to work to.

One day I will write the story of what happen to his job with Cetco - and my job with Whitney and my cancer diagnosis and how we both ended up of the good side of the coin as far as work goes.  It is a divine intervention story for sure .  It brings to me the power of faith and how we are not alone in our journey on earth.

Allen and I  have had our ups and downs in the course of 25+ years.....and weathered some rough storms.  But in the end I can truly say I have my knight in shining armour.    Except he is wearing a Sanits shirt and levis.  My illness has brought us so much closer and I know without a doubt he is there for me.  He is so strong...and it makes me strong to.     His sisters have also been propping me up and are going to look after me while he is gone.  I am so grateful to have them and my brother close by.

Keep him in your prayers tonight as he travels across the globe !

So if you are reading this Allen - I love you.
Every day is Christmas with you...so we dont have to celebrate it on December 25.

Notes from the edge.

I am in treatment agin next week.  Will be trying out a new chemo...Taxol.  Not lookign forward to it.

It will have different issues than the AC...so not knowing is a biggie.  Hard to prepare my self.

I got really sick/low red and white count after the last treatment, and I am having some some lung inflammation issues,  so they had to boost me up a bit.

Working pt right now – yes feel like crap (like having a bad case of the flu) …but I am ½ the way there….Coworkers are super supportive and it takes my mind of everything that is cancer.  This is a good thing.

I am drinking ginger  tea and eating cheetos to control the nausea – hey it works .  I cant do the drugs at work for it – because it zombies me out. I hate the nausea drugs because they really have some side effects…but  tea really works….and it is good for me.

The chemo is starting to cause bone pain which so far can be controlled with with over the counter meds.    I am all bruised up from it….my legs look terrible.

Allen is still here taking care of me.  Halliburton has been wonderful to him and letting him work for home………at full pay.   I have to be strong for him and for Gracie, they break down if I do…… so it makes me strong for the most part -  I know how lucky I am to have all the support.

I should be finished with treatment by Feb 1 (the ACT chemo part) – if I can stay well – 4 more treatments.  Then on to the oral chemo for 10 years (2 pills)

Then some other follow up sort of stuff to boost my immunity/lungs  and  cardio stuff to make sure my heart is still ticking right (chemo ruins it)

Then physical therapy to regain some strength/right arm use where the port damaged some nerves …… and then recon later in the year 2012 ….(and port removal) to. 

But they heavy duty chemp should be done by Feb – so keeping my eye on that.

I told Allen I want to go some place super relaxing in June,  I should be well enough to go by then….but maybe even a Vegas trip before that…cause dang it…I am due some good luck right ?

I have joined a yoga class (indoor) for  cancer patients – I will go when I am well ….gotta get my strength back and it helps with pain issues I am told.

I have lost a lot of weight….I think I look sickly…but it is still nice to loose the weight…if there is a pro in all this…ha.  I will need to strength train when I am well and I am super weak, and I hate being like that.  I had to downsize my purse because the one I was carrying was to big and heavy.  How bad it that !

I have no hair  - but two really nice wigs, in a way, it is a blessing – because it gives me an extra hour of sleep and I am to tired to fool with hair.  It is easy to slap on a wig ha !

I wear them to work, but use a  a scarf and hat everywher else.   I even have a Santa Hat.   It makes my doctor smile when I wear it.

The American Cancer society sent me a port pillow which really helps with the pain I have been having with my port AND  a bunch of make up (free) – by  Channel – like $500 worth – it was awesome and what a treat .(part of their look good feel good program) .  Gracie will have a blast doing my my makeup for me.

Just get me thru the day is my motto !

Pay it forward

Today I got a text from a former coworker thanking me for the Saints cap I sent her husband and how much he loved it.      He is fighting cancer and having a hard time.   I wanted to repay all the kindness that was given to me so I had my husband bring hin some knit hats I bought at sporting goods store to the hospital. 

One thing cancer has taught me - you pay it forward.   You never forget thoses who reach out to you.  I will never forget - I promise you.

 I just thought it was really cold right now and I knew he would need them for his trip to MD  Anderson,   They were very touched by this simple gesture.   And how easy was that ?  Some knit hats. 

Let this be a reminder....easy random acts of caring and kindness dont cost alot - but they do lift a spirit of someone who is going thru a hard time.  Tis the season !

I saw this article on one of cancer forums and thought it was a good reminder.

 

 

Ripple of kindness creates wave of smiles in chemo room (column)

Jackson Citizen Patriot File PhotoFreshly cut tulips.

The commotion in the chemo room started at one end and swept the room, as nurse after nurse swept in with arms full of bouquets — sunflowers, mums and more in reds, pinks, purples and golden yellow.
Waves of smiles followed in their wake as they went from patient, asking, “Would you like a bouquet? Would you like a bouquet?”
I have never seen so many smiles per square inch in a chemo room, either while I was in chemo or while I’ve been sitting with friends going through it. Let’s face it, most of us aren’t there by choice, and chemo rooms don’t register on anybody’s list of must-visit fun places.
Nanette Puhalski missed it.
The woman who had caused the furor, and did it without spending a dime, was upstairs at The Lacks Cancer Center at Saint Mary’s Health Care. She and her sister, Donlynn Cwiklinski, a scheduler at Lacks, were visiting their mother, who was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a mastectomy in July. She was back to visit her doctor and discuss follow-up treatment options.
“I got these flowers by a fluke,” said Puhalski, who was taking the trash out at her West Side home when she heard a voice coming from her neighbor’s.
“Hey, young lady, would you like some beautiful flowers?” asked one of the pantry workers at Trinity Reformed Church. She went over and found a pickup truck full of boxes and boxes of flower bouquets.
“I told them flowers would put such a smile on my mother’s face when I picked her up later to take her to The Lacks Cancer Center.”
As soon as she said “Lacks Cancer Center,” the workers offered her all of the flowers she wanted.
“These’ll put smiles on a lot of faces,” she said, as all of the flowers she could fit in her car — two boxes of about 20 bouquets each — were loaded.
“It only takes a few seconds to turn one good deed into another.
“Flowers are God’s creation: They bring life and cheer you up,” said, Puhalski, who put two bouquets together for her mom.
Unexpected beauty
Usually, the best thing about chemo day is that it ends. I marvel at how one person being open to opportunity, unselfishly thinking of others and taking action can create a beauty spot in what’s otherwise a pretty ugly day.
A breast cancer survivor who was undergoing chemo that day, Karen McKenzie, of Mecosta, was one of those who left the room, bouquet in arm, Miss America-style, with a smile to match.
“She brightened my whole day, my whole week. She has no idea what she did for me,” McKenzie said of the woman she never expects to meet.
“If I ever have the chance to do something like that for others, I’ll make it happen. Two weeks ago, I wasn’t thinking like that. I’ll bet she’s inspired others to do the same.”
Puhalski is no stranger to putting small-investment-big-return smiles on faces.
“I buy stickers at the Dollar Store, 200 for $1, and I give ’em to the kids as they go through” at Harrison Park Elementary, where she cooks and serves in the food line. “They’re cute as bug’s ears,” she says of the kids who sport the butterflies, flowers, bunny faces, etc. in some unexpected places as they leave.
“They’ll say, ‘See you tomorrow,’ and they turn around, and sometimes they’ve put ’em in the middle of their foreheads!’’
Who knows who among us will get the next shot at a targeted act of kindness?
“It would be nice if somebody could do it every day,” Puhalski said.
Sue Schroder, former features editor for The Grand Rapids Press, was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma in late 2009

Monday Monday

This last A/C chemo treatment wore me out...my red cells came crashing down.  This means I have very little energy and I am extremely tired, and short of breath.  I dont think I can get up off  the sofa to go take a shower.  I have slept 20+ hours every day since Thursday.  

Today is Monday and I was finally able to eat (Chicken Noodle Soup) - something besides crackers and dry cheerios. 

I read  today were Giuliana Ranci  was going to have a double mac and that her current course of treatment did not get all the cancer....... it made me cry for her and what
she will have to go through.

But I think she sums it up -

“It came down to was just choosing to live and not looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life.”
G Rancic

Right in the Middle.

Thursday is treatment number 4~  

AND I WILL BE 1/2 THE WAY THROUGH !

That is a milestone that keeps me going.....like the little engine that could.

I think I can I think I can I think I can...Going over the hill and getting closer to the finish line.

I was able to work a full day today ....a productive day.  So that made me feel good to.

Allen had also cooked a big pot of gumbo for dinner tonight  -and he went light on the seasonings so I could eat it.
And it was good....no it was great.

So I am glad I am going into this treatment a bit stronger that the last one.

You Look Great

A friend told me I looked great the other night and I thought to myself...she must be joking.
I dont feel great...so there is no way you can tell me I look great.
My clothes really dont fit me right now....my bones hurt like I am 90 years old.
My skin is dried out and pale, my lips are chapped and my nose runs like a leaky hose...and I am constantly hacking up a part of my lung for most of the day.

I am quite sure my wig was on  crooked.  My eyelashs and eyebrows are falling out...leaving me with a globs of mascara under my eyes as I vainly try to make the 3 remaining ones stand out !  And to top it off I also found out later I had spinach in my teeth from the salad I had for dinner.

I HAVE lost  some weight so so maybe that is what she meant ... My big girl pantys dont fit anymore and by that I mean I cry at dog food commercials on TV and   I am tried of being stong and brave dang it !!!!!

I have a list of questions for my doctor on Thursday.....hear my whine !
I just hope I feel well enough on Thursday to remember the list...because right now I have a serious case of chemo brain..(I am not making this up...it is a side effect of chemo, you can google it)    I got locked out of my computer at work yesteray because I forgot my password .   The help desk guys were great about it.  But after the second time in a week I think they have put my name on a list.

Anyway some one sent me this and I thought it was a great read:

You Look Great’ and Other Lies

By BRUCE FEILER

MY friend sat down and ordered a stiff drink. I didn’t think of her as the stiff-drink kind. An hour later, after our spouses drifted off into conversation, she leaned over the table. “I need your help,” she said. “My sister has a brain tumor. I don’t know what to do.”

Enlarge This Image

Three years ago this month, I learned that  I had bone cancer.  That diagnosis led me down a dark year that included nine months of chemo and a 15-hour surgery to reconstruct my left leg.
At the time, my wife, Linda, and I were the parents of 3-year-old identical twin girls, and we were often overwhelmed with the everyday challenges of having a sick dad, a working mom and two preschoolers. We survived with help from many people. Our siblings organized an online casserole club, so friends could buy us dinner through a meal service. Grandparents rotated in and out of our basement. My high school classmates made a video at our reunion.
But as my friend’s query suggested, some gestures were more helpful than others, and a few were downright annoying. So at the risk of offending some well-meaning people, here are Six Things You Should Never Say to a Friend (or Relative or Colleague) Who’s Sick. And Four Things You Can Always Say.
First, the Nevers.
1. WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP? Most patients I know grow to hate this ubiquitous, if heartfelt question because it puts the burden back on them. As Doug Ulman, the chief executive of Livestrong and a three-time cancer survivor, explained: “The patient is never going to tell you. They don’t want to feel vulnerable.” Instead, just do something for the patient. And the more mundane the better, because those are the tasks that add up. Want to be really helpful? Bring Soup, run errands, clean my fridge, replace my light bulbs, unpot my dead plants, change my oil, send house cleaning.  Don't ask, just do !
2. MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU. In my experience, some people think about you, which is nice. Others pray for you, which is equally comforting. But the majority of people who say they’re sending “thoughts and prayers” are just falling back on a mindless cliché. It’s time to retire this hackneyed expression to the final resting place of platitudes, alongside “I’m stepping down to spend more time with my family,” or “It’s not you, it’s me.”
3. DID YOU TRY THAT MANGO COLONIC I RECOMMENDED? I was stunned by the number of friends and strangers alike who inundated me with tips for miracle tonics, Chinese herbs or Swedish visualization exercises. At times, my in-box was like a Grand Ole Opry lineup of 1940s Appalachian black-magic potions. “If you put tumeric under your fingernails, and pepper on your neck, and take a grapefruit shower, you’ll feel better. It cured my Uncle Louie.”
Even worse, the recommenders follow up! Jennifer Goodman Linn, a former marketing executive who’s survived seven recurrences of a sarcoma and is compiling a book, “I Know You Mean Well, but ...,” was approached recently at a store.
“You don’t know me, but you’re friends with my wife,” the man said, before asking Ms. Linn why she wasn’t wearing the kabbalah bracelet they bought her in Israel.
4. EVERYTHING WILL BE O.K. Unsure what to say, many well-wishers fall back on chirpy feel-goodisms. But these banalities are more often designed to allay the fears of the caregiver than those of the patient. As one friend who recently had brain surgery complained: “I got a lot of ‘chin ups,’ ‘you’re going to get better.’ I kept thinking: You haven’t seen the scans. That’s not what the doctor is saying.” The simple truth is, unless you’re a medical professional, resist playing Nostradamus.
5. HOW ARE WE TODAY? Every adult patient I know complains about being infantilized. The writer Letty Cottin Pogrebin, who had breast cancer, is working on a book, “How to Be a Friend to a Friend Who’s Sick.” It includes a list of “no-no’s” that treat ailing grown-ups like children. When the adult patient has living parents, as I did, many mothers in particular fall back on old patterns, from overstepping their boundaries to making bologna sandwiches when the patient hasn’t eaten them since childhood. “Just because someone is dealing with a physical illness,” Mr. Ulman said, “doesn’t diminish their mental capacity.”
6. YOU LOOK GREAT. Nice try, but patients can see right through this chestnut. We know we’re gaunt, our hair is falling out in clumps.  The only thing this hollow expression conveys is that you’re focusing on how we appear. “When people comment on my appearance,” Ms. Linn said, “it reminds me that I don’t look good.”
Next time you want to compliment a patient’s appearance, keep this in mind: Vanity is the only part of the human anatomy that is immune to cancer.
So what do patients like to hear? Here are four suggestions.
1. DON’T WRITE ME BACK. All patients get overwhelmed with the burden of keeping everyone informed, coddled and feeling appreciated. Social networking, while offering some relief, often increases the expectation of round-the-clock updates.
To get around this problem, I appointed a “minister of information,” whose job it was to disseminate news, deflect queries and generally be polite when I didn’t have the energy or inclination to be. But you can do your part, too: If you do drop off a fruitcake or take the dog for a walk, insist the patient not write you a thank-you note. Chicken soup is not a wedding gift; it shouldn’t come with added stress.
2. I SHOULD BE GOING NOW. You’ll never go wrong by uttering these five words while visiting someone who’s sick. As Ms. Pogrebin observes of such visits, don’t overstay your welcome. She recommends 20 minutes, even less if the patient is tired or in pain.
3. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME GOSSIP? One surefire tip: a slight change of topic goes a long way. Patients are often sick of talking about their illness. We have to do that with our doctors, nurses and insurance henchmen. By all means, follow the lead of the individual, but sometimes ignoring the elephant in the room is just the right medicine. Even someone recovering from surgery has an opinion about the starlet’s affair, the underdog in the playoffs or the big election around the corner.
4. I LOVE YOU. When all else fails, simple, direct emotion is the most powerful gift you can give a loved one going through pain. It doesn’t need to be ornamented. It just needs to be real. “I’m sorry you have to go through this.” “I hate to see you suffer.” “You mean a lot to me.” The fact that so few of us do this makes it even more meaningful.

Bruce Feiler’s memoir, “The Council of Dads: A Story of Family, Friendship and Learning How to Live,” has just been published in paperback.

Just for the record

I dont agree with his #2 of things not to say/do.  I know the power of a good prayer...and I will take all the prayers I can get.   I also like for people to ask me how I am..it shows they care.  I tell them anyway, even if they are not really interested :)

and you can still tell me I look great when I dont...and please tell me if I have spinach in my teeth !

Angels Among Us

A dear friend, and fellow Steel Magnolia, and  talented artist sent me an original painting  as a gift.
Angels are very special to me....how did she know this ?

It is beautiful - and I love it.   We share a love of the deep South and Mexico.  We belong to the same Mexico travel forum and I consider her to be a kindred spirit on many levels.  I have been very blessed to experience so much support and love  from my "peeps" on this special travel site. 

I love you girlies -  Karen, Shams, Pat, Clo, Laura, The Potluck girls and so many more (tying not to leave any one out) and all those who have reached out to me from this special travel forum.  All this from people who I vacation with in Mexico !

The kindness of people reaching out to support me is something I promise not to forget going forward.


Guardian Angels...and she painted this just for me.  How Awesome is that !

From infancy to death human life is surrounded by their (the angels) watchful care and intercession. Beside each believer stands an angel as protector and shepherd leading him to life. Already here on earth the Christian life shares by faith in the blessed company of angels and men united to God."

Angels of God,
my guardian dear,
To whom God's love
commits me here,
Ever this day,
be at my side,
To light and guard,
Rule and guide.


"Children often have imaginary playmates. I suspect that half of them are really their guardian angels." -- Eileen Elias Freeman

When angels visit us we do not hear the rustle of wings, nor feel the feathery touch of the breast of a dove; but we know their presence by the love they create in our hearts.  ~  Unknown

Angels Among us ! Roll Tide - just for you Tonya !!!!  xxoooo

This is her website - check out her artwork!

http://tonya-rosa-stephens.artistwebsites.com/

Feeling Better

The new meds seem to be working - YAH !!!!  and my fever is under control.

I had  a visit from Gracies former harp teacher, Bette Vidrine.   She made me some beautiful scarves.
I love them....I even have  a Christmas one.  The are big so they give me full head coverage :)

Just when you think you are having a bad cancer day - some one lifts you you to the next level.

Blessings indeed !

Follow up

Got a hold of my lovely doctor - he really is veyr cute and kind.

Looks like more antibotics and ASSORTED med called in by my nice doc....and a trip in to the office on Monday morning to check my white/red counts.  Dr Cole and his whole office are truly wonderful and caring....I have been blessed to have them taking care of me.

I makes me weary just thinkingabout it.
And I feell like I will sleep all weekend.
Hoping for some sappy LifetimeChristmas movies or some new HGTV shows.......all  with happy endings of course.

I have an 30 minute  appointment I have to make at 11 today.
It helps me to get up and getd d ressed.  Allen s driving me because I am a little tired/weak  from all the heavy duty meds.  So the last thing I need to do is drive in Lafyaette Christmas traffic.

I will take all my meds before I sgo  I dont feel like crap and can make it through my appointment with out coughing my head off or passing out.

I see a long winters nap in my future today.
I not hungry and was able to gag down 1./2 grilled cheese today.
Hope by tonight I am in the mood for some good soup.....

My BFF Donna brought me some tomatoe basil soup a few weeks ago  - and I am going to pick some up after ny appointment....she always know the good spots around town for things such as this.

High Fever

Murphys Law

High fevers and chills only hit you at 3 am on a Saturday morning.

Debating on if I should call my doctor or wait till morning.

The cut off rate is 101.6 for calling the doctor according to the paperwork,  I am right there...

I felt so good yeaterday....never tempt fate by saying that.

Happy Thanksgiving

The biggest healing tool is love and  Allen hase been home the last few weeks and has gone to every treatment and appointment  with me    I know how good this has been for my spirit. When you have a happy heart the body is able to repair itself, boosting the immune system. I know  that without a healthy heart it’s hard to get enjoyment out of life, it creates an unbalanced and unable lifestyle making it difficult to handle the stresses of everyday life.  I am so grateful to have him home with me and to help me thru this time.

On days where I feel I have been zapped of all my energy, with someone you love around there is always enough room to laugh, smile, chat, cook dinners and most of all, get through the burdens of chemo.
I am grateful for the experiences and lessons I have learned within my family.

I am looking forward to spending Thanksgiving with my older brother Chris and his sweet family.     He is a cancer survivor and has always been a father figure in my life. He bailed me out of a tough spot when I was in my 20s  and I will never forget that.   We dont see each other every week or even every month ....but with out a doubt I could call him and he would be there if I needed something, and I would do the same for him....somethings are just unsaid, but we know they are there.  I see so much of my Dads spirit  in him that it always makes me smile.

I have been very blessed when it comes to family in my life.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and remember to be grateful for all the people in your life who love you.

Sunday

My steroid holiday is over.  High fever and general yucky feelings mixed in with extreme nausea.
Chicken noodle soup and peanut butter and crackers is on the menu.
I slept for 16 hours today.   My body is trying  DESPERATELY to  heal itself.
I did manage to get up off the sofa and bathe and brush my teeth.


I keep telling myself that in a few months I will be back to my normal Sunday routine of cooking dinner and doing laundry, but today I am just fatigued and I am wondering how I will make it through the week.

RIP Taste Buds

A few hours or a few days after chemo your taste buds go into a "dead zone",

You can taste nothing.....mine did that to me about 2 pm today.

It will last for about a week.  I can think of things that may taste good to me or that I am hungry for....but when I take a bite .....nothing. (and then fight the urge to hurl)

It is like eating cardboard.

That makes your appetite go south for a while.

You have to force yourself to eat small meals when nothing taste or smells good.

And of course you want to gag and heave at the mere thought of food.

I hate this part of the chemo cycle....because you have to force yourself to eat when you really dont want to.

Your mouth is also very dry and sensative at this time so you have to be extra careful not to eat anything to crunch or spicey.

I live on Bananas,  yogurt, jello, chicken soup and Popsicles during this time....and wait for the day when I can TASTE again !

A nice morning

I woke up feeling good.  2 days post chemo - how can that be ?

But I will take it. I will not push it.  It  feels good just to feel good.
Maybe my doc gave me extra steriods this time because the last treatment was so rough on me.
Of course I am taking my anti nas meds right on time and drinking tons of fluids to flush the chemo drugs out of my system.

My hubby made me a big cup o Cappuccino and a cinnamon rasin bagel this morning
It smelled good and it tasted good and I ATE IT WITH OUT GAGGING.

But then I opened the frig.......
The Mexican food that my daughter left in the frig overnight made me gag and heave !
The smell.....eeewwwwwwwww
Ugh !!!  Think saran warp and foil next time Gracie !  ewwwwwww.
Please tell me when I can throw it out !

I posted two of my  favorite pictures of Gracie.   One of a birthday party long ago....and the other one from one of our many Mexico trips.(I think this one was 2009)    She was brave enough to let the monkey sit on her head.   What a photo op.  I miss Mexico, we did not get to go this year....but hopefully it will be on our agenda next year.   Gracie graduates in May so I promised her that when I am well again we will go whereever she wants next year for  vacation........Mexico, Hawaii, California, New York, Las Vegas, A cruise, Disney World, so many places.....I wonder where her hearts desire is going to take us ?

I dont think Gracie knows what to do with a mother who has cancer. But she seems to know when I need a hug.   I plan on taking her to one of my chemo treatments so she can see what goes on in the chemo room and how many people are so sick from cancer.

She makes me smile with her stories from work and she feeds the cats for me because she knows the smell of cat food makes me gag.

She works at a swanky upscale  restaurant in town and she just got a raise.  (because she is such a great employee) and she has a 4.0 average.  I  am so proud of the person she is growing up to be.  She has learned to let all the petty stuff from high school go and she is ready move on to what real life is all about.   I know she is looking forward to college and making her own way in the world.   And that makes me proud.

I love you Gracie (and yes you will always be Gracie to me)

What My Chemo Cost.

This is for one round of the AC chemo treatment I am currently on
$3,675.00

The Neulusta Shot (1 freaking shot)
$6,195

Various Prescriptions and over the counter meds I have to take per week
$100- $700 per week

And of course I am not adding in all the extras like a chest exray and the extra blood tests/scans that I  have to take every now and then.  This to adds up to $$$$$.

If course my inusrance picks up some of this so I am very blessed. (Thank you Sweet Jesus for this)

 I have been assigned a wonderful nurse advocate with Blue Cross - like having my own personal customer service # to call.  She has been very helpful with all the insurance issues that have come up (which I dont have the energy to deal with) and my sweet hubby has been working hard to stay on top of this, so I am blessed to have his help with this because my mind and energy level is about 10% right now.

Did I mention he will be leaving soon for Kuwait/Dubai/Iraq very soon - so say a prayer for his safety for me.   Mucho Thanks.   Tammy

The Pacific Yew tree and chemo

3 down - 1 more to go.

I have one more AC (Red Devil) - chemo treatment left !  

See - it really is RED !!!  It is scary looking and it is a bad mam-a jam-a ...but if it does the job it will killing all those teeny tiny aggessive cancer  cells that may be hiding away in the nooks of my  body.   Not every one can take this chemo...you have to be very strong with a good heart to withstand it.  I tell myself I should be lucky I can take it  (but I dont always feel that way).

Then it is on to my Taxol treatments (I will have 4 of these) ....this is a whole other ballgame, with a different set of rules and side effects.  I am Scarlett O Hara and I will worry about that another day.

A little bit about taxol:

The Pacific Yew tree, which only grows in the Northwestern United States, has received media attention because of its amazing anti-cancer properties. In fact, the miracle anti-cancer drug Taxol, used for treating many varieties of cancer, including mine, was originally derived from its bark.

Taxanes, found in the bark, fight cancer by preventing cancer cells from dividing. Cancer cells reproduce when the parent cell grows small tentacle-like tubes called micro tubules. New cancer cells grow at the ends of the tubules and when they mature, the tubules disintegrate so that the new cells are freed from the parent cell and can reproduce and function on their own. Pacific Yew taxanes, unlike any other anti-cancer drug or substance, actually prevent the disintegration of tubules, so the new cancer cells cannot separate from the parent cells. This paralyzes cell division and the cancer cells eventually die.

IT’S EXOTIC: a cancer drug made from the bark of a yew tree that grows only in a few areas of the Pacific Northwest and gives shelter to the rare northern spotted owl. It’s one of the most expensive drugs ever: Three whole trees produce only enough for a single treatment;

The National Cancer Institute calls it the most promising anticancer compound to come along in 15 years. Industry analysts guess that Bristol-Myers Squibb, so far the clear leader in taxol development, could turn it into a $500 million to $1 billion product annually by the end of the decade. That would make it the biggest-selling cancer drug ever.

Chemical Research in Boulder, Colorado, which has a contract to collect yew bark and extract raw taxol from it. Bristol-Myers has largely locked up the domestic supply of trees through an agreement with the U.S. Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management, and it has won ”orphan drug” status for taxol as an ovarian cancer treatment from the Food and Drug Administration.

Currently, all paclitaxel production uses plant cell fermentation technology developed by the biotechnology company Phyton Biotech and carried out at their plant in Germany. This starts from a specific Taxus cell line propagated in aqueous medium in large fermentation tanks. Paclitaxel is then extracted directly, purified by chromatography and isolated by crystallization. Compared to the semisynthesis, PCF eliminates the need for many hazardous chemicals and saves a considerable amount of energy.

#3

#3 is Thursday.   Then it will be 5 more treatments to go !
I am hoping this one will be easier that the last one.
The night before Chemo I always try to eat something good....because it may be a week or more before I can eat normal food again with out being sick.  And my taste buds dont really work for a week or two.

I am thinking tonight would be a good night for  chicken shawarma salad from Zeus !  

Update -

My hair is all gone.....the crew cut has fallen out and every day another eyelash or eyebrow hair falls out.

Thank you to all of my wonderful friends and family members who have helped me out with scarves :)   Mucho appreciated!

What I do everyday and how do I feel

I hear this question about once a week. Usually it's from well meaning people, Other times, it's from people who haven't seen me in a while and are just catching up with me now.

I understand the curiosity that comes with that, and I guess the time has come to internalize that and really figure out what it is that I DO everyday.    

I suppose I should start with the obvious. And when I say 'obvious' - I realize this part is only obvious to me, and not everyone else.    But, the obvious answer is I am NOT finished treatment yet.

I am not out of the woods quite yet. I am still on chemotherapy and will be for the next 5 years.

FIVE YEARS I will be on chemo !!!

After the IV Chemo ends in late January 2012...I will then start  with the one or two magic little chemo pills that will help keep the cancer from coming back (Hopefully) but in the process it will make me moody, tired, gives me headaches, makes me sick, hurts my joints and bones, keeps me awake at night with insomnia and puts me in menopause (and all the wonderful things that go with that)

Honestly, some days, I just try to make it through the day.    I may look okay, but I am far from feeling okay.  I have to push myself to get out of bed, get dressed and put on make up.  (and brush my teeth) , slap a wig on my head and drive myself to work for a few hours.   Sometimes I will get my husband to drive me because I am to tired.   Some days I am to tired and sick to even go to work.  Anything around the house (laundry, dishes, cooking, house cleaning) is a moot point right now.  I just dont have the time and energy for it.

The second thing I want to point out is that I still have a handful of medical appointments each week still . I am constantly surrounded by medical personnel. I have a large daytimer with all my appointments written in it and every week is jammed with another test or treatment.

This makes it kind of hard to 'forget' about cancer.

I still take (many) pills/injections/immune boosters every day so that my body can function the way it's supposed to.

I am learning to live with it, but that doesn't make it normal.

Before I go to sleep every night, I pray that my cancer will not come back. The first thing I do when I wake up, I pray that my cancer will not come back and that the chemo is working.   Even though to my oncologist tells me that when my treatment is done my "survival and reoccurance"  rates are good (just good mind you - not great) - to me, it feels like I am always waiting for something bad to happen again.

It's a terrible way to live, and I hope that one day cancer will not be the first and last thing on my mind.

Time will heal that.

I work part time when I can and I  nap during the day when I am to sick or weak to work, I nap because my body is tired. (And this is not the kind of tired that you can sleep and be rested) I feel fatigued, deep inside my bones and I constantly run a low grade fever which makes it feel like I am on the edge of falling off a cliff.

My legs feel heavy, so do my arms and my head and my shoulders - everything.  It is a deep fatigue that I am not used to and it just wipes me out.

So I nap.

Once or twice, when people hear this they say 'must be nice to nap during the day' - again, a simple comment, but such a slap in the face. Nothing about this entire experience is 'nice'.

Not even the napping.

I would rather be working and living how I was before than be off on medical disability leave.  I love my work and it is part of who I am.   I have worked at the same company for 17 YEARS.

But that is not my reality right now and I try to make the best of it.  I feel terrible not being able to

handle my full workload and putting the load on my other coworkers. That part is extemely depressing for me.  Even when I am AT WORK....I am only running on 10 or 20%.   Chemo brain is in full swing.  I hope to repay my coworkers who prop me up and do my job for me whan I am out.

(I love you Debbie, Lydia, Stephanie, Josie,  Anglea, Scottie, Jim, and all my other HR buddies who help me out)

Last night I watched NCIS (I love that show)  on TV - and I thought how great it was to sit on the sofa and not be sick and  that I could watch and enjoy an entire TV show without falling asleep !!!  That is a good day believe it or not.

I feel that I've been given another shot at life. A second chance. So I am bound and determined to make my life exactly what I've always wanted it to be. I want to make it count. I want to make a difference (sounds corny, right?)

So, the next time someone asks me ' What do you DO everyday?' I may just respond with:

I live.

My Daily Prayer

Thank you Lord for another day in this life of mine.   Give me the strength to live it well, whatever I may find.   Bestow from your abundance whatever I may lack, to use the hours wisely for I cannot have them back.   Thank you Lord for another day in which to make amends for little slights or petty words inflicted on any of my family or friends, for sometimes losing patience with problems that I find.   Thank you Lord for another chance to try to be a little more deserving of the gifts you have given me.   For yesterday is over, and tomorrow is far way.  I will remain committed to the good I can do today.  Amen


Thank you to my beautiful sister in law Judy who sent this to me.

Have a wonderful week and remember the gifts that are given to us each day.

If I fall behind wait for me

http://youtu.be/LxQte-8qXjA

This is my favorite song by The Bruce. - and it is for my husband Allen who dragged me thru the worst week of my life.   I guess after 21 years of marriage (and a few years of living in sin) - he took those vows pretty serious....I love you Allen.....I know I could not do this with out you by my side.


We said we'd walk together baby come what may
That come the twilight should we lose our way
If as were walkin a hand should slip free
Ill wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me

We swore wed travel darlin side by side
Wed help each other stay in stride
But each lovers steps fall so differently
But I'll wait for you
And if I should fall behind
Wait for me

Now everyone dreams of a love lasting and true
But you and I know what this world can do
So lets make our steps clear that the other may see
And I'll wait for you
If I should fall behind
Wait for me

Now there's a beautiful river in the valley ahead
There neath the oaks bough soon we will be wed
Should we lose each other in the shadow of the evening trees
Ill wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me
Darlin I'll wait for you
Should I fall behind
Wait for me

It is how I feel right now - behind !
I am behind at work
I am behind at home.
I am behind emothinally, mentally, physically and everywhere else.

This last chemo treatment was very rough.   Everything hurt and made me sick.   I have to say I felt very sick, more so than I have anytime else in my whole life.   I told my husband I just wanted to stop the treatment and just take the oral meds and roll the dice.  If  the cancer comes back to just let it take me. He won't let me do that...he drags me thru yet another treatment, to yet another doctor apointment and through a very low point in my life.  He took care of me.   It is hard to do that when some one you love is throwing up non stop and coughing up all kinds of strange looking life forms, changing sheets in the middle of the night,  helping some one who has no energy to walk from the bed to the bathroom.   I am sure he is wondering what happened to his young wife who was full of energy. 

Oh and Thank you for getting some one to clean the house ....you know what makes me happy !    :)
There is nothing like a clean bathroom to make you feel better - trust me on this one.

Thank you for getting up at 3 am and sitting with me and talking me thru the darkness  and pulling me upto the next level.  I love you.  
For richer or poorer
for better or worse
In sickness and health
till beyond death - forever.  
We have been through so much in our lives - but
I will never forget this time in our life and what you have done for me.
I guess God knew what he was doing all those years ago when I broke my foot with a u-haul (something only Allen would understand)
So please wait for me - I will be back one day.

I still wish my parents were here....I miss them so much.   Not that they would be "taking care" of me - just the mental support,  Mental Support is so important to cancer patients - it is what gets us thru the bad days.  Just knowing someone else out there cares and is pulling for us.

If you know some one who is sick or struggling....give them a call today.
Reach out.  Bring them some soup or send a text or email.
Let them know you are thinking of them.
Ps -
Please do not tell them to be positive or strong, or about your Aunt/sisters/cousin  who recovered from this 10 years ago.
We dont want to hear that  - because we are struggling to be strong and positive as we can.

Some days it just really sucks

I got this email from a friend today:

"Jan lost her battle with that horrible disease cancer, around midnight on Tuesday,
November 8th.  As Hospice promised, she died comfortably and gently with husband Aaron at
her side.  She'd been hospitalized since last Friday with her family and friends standing
costant vigil.

We thank all for their prayers throughout this long ordeal, but ask continued ones for
her 16 year old daughter, Amanda.  It's been and will be very hard for her as she's lost
her best friend.

Beth and Chet



Beth is my former boss and gave my career in HR a jump start when I was in my early 20s.
She took a chance on me and I will be forever grateful to her.
She was a mentor and friend and my heart goes out to her.
Jan,  her daughter,  was younger than I am  but our daughters are close in age.   Please say an extra prayer for Amanada today - she lost her mama way to soon.
The last time I saw Jan was 17 years ago when I gave her all my maternity clothes and she was so happy to be pregnant.  The things we remember....rest in peace Jan.

One day there will be a cure .....

Just because she makes me smile

My little dog makes me smile even on the worst cancer days.  There have been a few of them lately.

This is my little Trixie.  We call her Tricky because she came to us knowing quite a few tricks.  She never leaves my side and sits up with me late at night when I cant sleep.   I may have rescued her from death row...but really she has rescued me.   Sometimes you just need a good reason to smile.

Zapped

This treatment zapped me and I have no energy what so ever. I am living on heavy drugs to control the nausea.

I dont ever remember being this tired in my whole life.

I feel so bad putting this on my family. I am also fighting a nasty sinus drip that makes me cough all night. (no fever) - that is wearing me down to.

What happened to my normal life....

I did manage to eat some plain pancakes this morning, I hope it gives me some energy to at least fold some clothes.

Allen got the news he will be headed to Iraq for work. I cant even think about it right now.

I wish I had something brave, witty or uplifting to say.....but it is one of those cancer sucks day.

Attitudes

I have 14 weeks and 4 days left for my chemo treatment.
Today we are cooking Thanksgiving dinner and watching the Saints loose.
Carpe diem !


It is Sunday..time for my song for the week !

Changes In Latitude - Changes In Attitude.

I took off for a weekend last month
Just to try and recall the whole year.
All of the faces and all of the places,
wonderin' where they all disappeared.
I didn't ponder the question too long;
I was hungry and went out for a bite.
Ran into a chum with a bottle of rum,
and we wound up drinkin' all night.

It's those changes in latitudes,
changes in attitudes nothing remains quite the same.
With all of our running and all of our cunning,
If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.

Reading departure signs in some big airport
Reminds me of the places I've been.
Visions of good times that brought so much pleasure
Makes me want to go back again.
If it suddenly ended tomorrow,
I could somehow adjust to the fall.
Good times and riches and son of a bitches,
I've seen more than I can recall

It's those changes in latitudes,
changes in attitudes nothing remains quite the same.
With all of our running and all of our cunning,
If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.

I think about Paris when I'm high on red wine,
I wish I could jump on a plane.
And so many nights I just dream of the ocean.
God, I wish I was sailin' again.
Oh, yesterdays are over my shoulder,
So I can't look back for too long.
There's just too much to see waiting in front of me,
and I know that I just can't go wrong


Hope your attitude or latitude is a good one this week.

Things I dont need !

I got buzzed today.
I had my head shaved. There is so little that you can control with cancer...so dang it, I am going to control this.

A special friend offered to do it for me.

I did not look as she shaved my head. I just watched as the piles of hair fell to the floor. She put my wig on and helped me trim it up.
I have a small head....who knew ?
Then I took a look. I like my wig, it looks like me !
I love her for making this easy for me. (thank you thank you thank you - you know who you are).

I told her I would look my semi naked head later tonight.
I did not cry or break down...I am proud of myself for being strong.
It felt good to get this done - and to get past it.

Hubby and I went out to eat at our favorite Mexican place.
No one pointed at me and said..."look at her wig".
No strange looks or second glances.
I have "wedding hair" - you know the look.
Your hair looks perfect...like you had it styled for your wedding day.
When I got home - I took off the wig.

I look like my nephew Spencer did when he was a little boy sporting his buzz.
It made me smile.

This small tiny bit of hair will fall out to..and I will be completely bald. But at least I wont have to watch the clumps of hair fall out everytime I take a shower.

My shopping list has gotten shorter !

Things I need :
hats
scarves

Thing I dont need (for a while):
Blow dryer
straightener
curling iron
hair spray
various hair products
brush
comb
hair cuts
highlights
hair color

Think of the money I will save !
Except I love shopping for hats and scarves.

I will post some pics of the hats I have bought once Gracie shows me how to upload photos :)

NOT JUST OCTOBER

"We must be reminded that everyday people of this society is fighting a different kind of cancer battle. May this month be not just a reminder of Breast Cancer awareness but everyday reminder that cancer is just there and we need to be aware of that, whatever it may be."

She raises the very good point that every day people are coping with cancer and not just breast cancer and not just in October. While breast cancer is the most common cancer for women, it is not the only cancer. The American Cancer Society estimates there will be 1.6 million cases of cancer in the US in 2011 and 572,000 deaths. Of these 233,000 cases of breast cancer will be diagnosed and 40,000 deaths from breast cancer. While it is a little early in the day for complicated math (no coffee yet either), I can its somewhere around 1/8 of all cancer diagnoses are breast cancer and less than 1/10 of all deaths will be due to breast cancer.

That leaves a lot of other people with other kinds of cancer. There are more cases of prostate cancer in the US than breast cancer and lung cancer still kills more in both sexes. While we now can safely say we have breast cancer awareness, we need more other cancer awareness.

Also, cancer is an every day, not just in October ailment. You don't really get a 'day off' with cancer. I mean you can have days where you don't have a doctor appointment but it never really goes away. You can meet people all the time who say 'after cancer, I have been much more vigilant about my health', or that they worry about recurrence or that they appreciate life more or that they try to eat right. Cancer has become a turning point in their lives which means they still remember it daily. It may have been a turning point but it also looms over them.

Cancer is an every day, 24/7 ailment. There are many other ailments that fall into the same category - diabetes, MS, etc. It becomes part of your life forever, not just one month of the year.

Notes from the Edge

I recently read on The Wellness Warrior site, “Being told you have cancer is a massive shock and it is incredibly difficult at times, but it is also a huge wake up call. As tough as it is, dealing with a serious illness gives you the unique opportunity to make the most of the here and now. As someone very wise once said to me, “Cancer is a gift wrapped in a shitty package.” The only way to get through it is to keep smiling and take one day at a time.”